Christmas

I survived the end of the semester.  It was close. I'm a little worried over next semester when I teach an overload.  I know it will be fine once I'm doing it.  Because then I won't be thinking, just going. 

I got ride of a paper in once class and added a presentation which will totally help.  I will keep the class I am most worried about with the burden on the students which will help me.  I will reign in my assignments outside of class for my writing intensive course.  I will remember that I have two wonderful students serving as my teaching assistants to help me. 

I'm enjoying my time off even though it has only been four days.  Starting tomorrow I'm going to try to make some head way during "naps."  My life will be so much easier if I start the semester ahead. 

Christmas went well.  Little one enjoyed her presents and had a great time. 

As I preview videos

As I preview videos for a lecture on Thursday, I am marveling in my accomplishments.  Once this lecture is complete, I will be done with my prep work for the semester. 
Then I have 25 papers left to grade and four tests to create.  It is coming together.  I will survive.  I will survive- hey hey!

Hot Mess

I'm totally a hot mess at the moment.  I'm stressed, I'm easy to anger, I'm easy to cry....

It's not a fun time in the semester and I'm not exactly handling it with grace and poise anymore.  I'm coping via coffee and running from zombies. 

So the good news is that on my run this morning, I escaped twice.  Which was fun.  I got to run to my new running list which was okay.  It started well, but I'm going to need to tweak things. 

So I am going to go home, cuddle a child and a kitten.  Eat left overs and play for a few hours.
Then I'm going to grade a few more papers.  Then I'm going to go to bed early. 

And tomorrow I will be closer to done with the stack of papers I have.  And I will try not to think about the second stack that I get tomorrow. 

I can do this.  I can do this. 

Work Out Challenge

So it is back to running for me.  My friend and I are going to push ourselves and run a 10K in May. Now that's a long way from now, but I'm hoping to not feel like dying from running outside.  So it is now game on.  I'm thinking I need to run two to three days a week so I can get back in the swing of things. 
Now to help myself, I have done two things.  I purchased, Zombies, Run! which is epic.  I ran to it today and it was a great fun.  When it is not super late (and I have time) I'll talk more about it.
And I started http://sweatforacause.com/challenge/55 I was called a wussy by a co-worker so I said game on.  I'm excited about kicking her butt. 

Last thankful & overwhelmed

So I missed one last day of thankfulness.  I am thankful for sleep.  I need more than I get, but I am grateful for how easily I fall asleep.

So I am fraying at the seams right now.  I’m only prepped for part of Tuesday.  I’ve got a giant stack of papers to grade.  I’m totally freaking out.  I don’ t know how I’m going to find the time and I want to be super avoidant about it (hence this post)…. Okay enough.  Time to work.

11/29

Today I am thankful for boy scouts, girl scouts, and 4-H. 

To be honest, I'm thankful for boy scouts due to the arrival of delicious popcorn on my door step.
However, in general I'm thankful for the great experiences I had in girl scouts and 4-H and the volunteers who made it possible. 

Thankfulness Day 28

Today was a very long day. 

It was also not a very fun day.  I was the bearer of news that I didn’t want to be.  My work computer stopped being able to charge. I taught  my discussion based class where my students are feeling quite lazy and unwilling to discuss.  Now, discussion went well today, despite my worries-but I was in a funk.   I didn’t really get as much done as I had hoped.  I had to yell at my freshman for being horribly distracting while my TA taught class.  I am exhausted and I don’t want to continue to work tonight (but I will when I’m done writing this). 

Now that is my Debbie Downer talking and I don’t want the rest of my day to be colored by that. 

So today I am going to find all of my thankfulness.

I am thankful for a tough workout.  Even though my body aches everywhere it was great and I would not change it. 

I am thankful for understanding friends.  No one ever wants to be the bearer of bad news, especially to people they care about.  Thank you for being a wonderful person.

I am thankful for my TA.  My TA noticed I in a horrible mood and having a bad day.  He told me after teaching that he just wanted  to do a good job so my day would be easier. 

I am thankful for little kids.  Today I got to have breakfast with my friend’s Little Miss who told me all about how she was going to ask Santa for a doll house and Barbies. She made my day better.  Then this evening I got to have a jumping party with my daughter and husband.  What is a jumping party you might ask?  Well, my girlie just recently learned how to jump and she loves it, but she likes you to do it with her.  So we all held hands and jumped.  For the record, I am also thankful for stopping because after the morning workout, squatting and jumping is HARD WORK. 

I am thankful for Amazon.  Seriously, how did my parents ever shop for me when I was old enough to know what was going on without the internet?  Amazon has been dropping Christmas goodies at the house all week and I’m excited for everyone to open them. 

I am thankful for cuddles with kittens and one minute peanut butter cake.  No explanation necessary. 

I am thankful for running.  So I just threw up in my mouth a little saying that, but let me explain.  I still hate running, but I can admit that I feel very accomplished when I do it.  A friend and I are running a 10K in May.  I keep writing that a lot lately so we don’t chicken out. 

And lastly for today, I am thankful for my work ethic. Because even though I am tired, even though I don’t wanna, I’m going to do a little work so I can feel better about work stress.

Thankful Day 27

Today I am thankful for laughter.  Today was stressful.  There is alot to get done at this point in the semester (and it's slow going).  However, I got to share a laugh with many people.  I was sarcastic, I watched silly movies, and shaked my bootie with my daughter. 

Thankful 25 & 26

On Day 25, I am thankful for my own bed.  We had a wonderful week of travels.  A great time with friends and kids in St. Cloud.  Then a peaceful Thanksgiving with parents.  Pecan pie! Then I got to help a friend find her wedding dress.  She'll be even more beautiful than normal on her wedding day, but there is nothing like being home.

On Day 26, I am thankful for Christmas.  I love putting up Christmas lights, wrapping presents, and making my daughter smile at the lights.  I love the seeing the miracle!

Thankfulness- Planning ahead

We are soon off for a week of travel to friends and family so I'm going to think ahead on my thankfulness.

Day 16: Books.  They are my drug and I adore them.

Day 17: Phones. Today my daughter decided she wanted to call Grandma and Grandpa so we did.  They got cute voicemails of talking and button pushing.

Day 18: Games.  Board games, cards, all wonderful.

Day 19: Pictures.  I love having photos of my family, especially those who are not with us.

Day 20: Christmas trees!!!

Day 21: Christmas lights!!!

Day 22: Imagination.  I'm glad that little girl thinks that measuring cups are drinking cups and that monkeys can fly.

Day 23: Relaxation!  Enough said.

Day 24: Dress shopping.  Today I get to help a friend go wedding dress shopping!  Hurrah.

Thankful 14 & 15

Whoops.  I got behind in my thankfulness (sad, I know).
So for yesterday, I am thankful for facebook. 
Okay I know that sounds like crazytown.  It is the distraction of facebook that got me through many a rough day in graduate school.  It is the connection of facebook who allows me to keep up with those who are strung around the country.  I can see the cute kids of the people I went to high school with (adorable!).  And I still like the distraction. 

And for today I am thankful for my family. 
My husband understand me (all of little old neurotic me).  He loves me and supports me in what I do. 
My daughter is a blessing each day.  Even when she is having sleeping issues (like right now), I am grateful for every minute I have her. Even though she is going to make me lose a bet with her dad.
My parents.  My dad may be the best man I know.  I know I will always, be his little girl, and that he will always help me in any way he can.  It absolutely wonderful to watch little miss make him smile.
My mom.  Sure she's my step-mom, but I won the lottery there.  I couldn't ask for a stronger woman in my life. 

Thankful 13

Today I am thankful for snow.

Yes, I'm glad there is snow on the ground.  No, I have not shoveled the driveway (I've been lazy about it).  I love playing with the family in the snow.  Snow means my allergies can feel better! Maybe tomorrow I'll shovel...

Thankful Day 12

Today I am thankful for music. 

Now I was never a particularly talented musician with my clarinet.  I had fun, but it was not my favorite thing.  However, when it comes to singing, I adore it. People are always catching me singing in my office to my ipod.  I actually believe I signed a binding contract that am not allowed to stop (thanks grad student friends). I sing along to radio.  I always loved music festival season, even though I ended up terrified of singing my solos.  I would always end up forgetting the words.  It didn't matter whether it was a trio, small group, or entire choir.  If there was another person, I was never scared.  Alone terrified enough to forget the words.... Some day I want to be part of a choir again.  I miss organized singing sometimes. 

For the time being, I will continue to sing to my ipod and to my little girl.  We had a family sing-a-long last night because she wanted her parents to sing and to sing with us.  It was awesome.  She is even more adorable than normal when she is singing. 

Thankful Day 11

Today I am thankful for Veterans everywhere. 

Thank you to all who have helped to keep our country safe.  For example, my dad was Army and my grandpa was Navy.  My grandfather put it best when he spoke of his medals that he earned during the attack on Pearl Harbor.  "I wasn't doing anything special.  I was just helping my friends."

Thankful day 10

Today I am thankful for oreos.

No, my world does not revolve around sweets... wait, yes my world does revolve around sweets.  This oreos (triple stuffed) have successfully allowed me to navigate the treacherous waters of daughter with snotty nose who thinks naps are for suckers. 

Oreos also will always remind me of my grandfather.  He was diabetic and a baker.  He always traveled with sweets.  My parents and I took a road trip to Denver with my grandparent when I was 18.  My grandparents packed a giant peanut butter container full of oreos.  They would push the oreos like they were crack.  "Do you want an oreo? Are you sure you don't want an oreo?"  To this day, I can't look at oreos the same way.  My little girl who will never know her great grandparents on my side of the family also loves the oreos.  I tell her great grandpa would be proud.

Thankful Day 9

Today I am thankful for sweetness.

Now I actually look at this sweetness is a number of ways.
1)  I am thankful for the cuddles from my little girl.  Her attack hugs are just one of the best things about life.
2)  I am thankful for cake and candy.  I LOVE sweets.  Now last night there was not a single sweet in my house.  It was a sad time.  I thought I about crying.  I thought about how much Halloween candy we have eat (ugh).  I decided to make cake (yeah!). One Minute Peanut Butter Cake to be exact- with a few tweaks.  I add a tablespoon of chocolate chips to the batter (because peanut butter needs chocolate).  Then instead of the "frosting" I drizzle with chocolate sauce.  It is sweet.  It is crazy rich.  I regret nothing. 

Thankful 8

Today I am thankful for unicorns.


Be the Unicorn

Day 7

Today I am thankful for my electronics.  I know they are a luxury and I love them.

Thankful Day 6

Today I am thankful for Zombies. Zombies are romantic and I am a hopeless romantic.

Day 5

Today I am thankful for my job. 
I am a learner.  I love to inform and guide.  I think that I always need to be learning in order to teach. 

I am very frustrated today and I was not looking forward to coming to work.  I had a rough day on Friday and I have students that are not meeting my expectations.  I am unwilling to change my expectations so I think I need to tweak my teaching style to help them.  Now don't get me wrong, I know that some of it is a lack of drive on the students part.  However, I think it is time to try something a little new.  

I am thankful that I have a job which most days I do love that allows me to have these "horrible" problems.  Thank you, job (and students), for pushing me.  I'm lucky to have both the paycheck and the ability to try something new.

Weekend Thankfulness

Let's be realistic.  I'm not that great at posting all the time.
So in the effort of being proactive on my 30 days of thankfulness, it's time for some weekend thankfulness. 

For my third day,
I am thankful for friends, old, new, and yet to come.  I am grateful for my bff from high school who I got to spend the weekend with a couple of weeks ago.  There's nothing like the comfortable nature of a friend that was there for your awkward stage.  I am grateful for my college friends. Pinochle at all hours, late nights, sarcasm, Bob Costas. While we are in different places and don't see each other as much as we would like to I hope that you all know that I think of you often.  I am grateful for my graduate student friends.  There is nothing like those people that have PTSD with you.  I'm glad that we can continue learning together.  My "adult" friends.  Adult is such a tricky phrase.  Who am I kidding most of the people who I find dear with always be young at heart no matter the trappings of life.  Thank you for listening to me and enjoying me for the nerd I am.  I love you all for the spice you add to my life.

For my fourth day,
I am thankful for books.  Books allow me to visit new places and get caught up in a mystery or romance.  Books allow for passion.  "You turned another page." Books = cuddling with my daughter or a blanket or a kitten.  Speaking of which, time to pick up a book when I'm done here.

Thankfulness- Day 2

I am thankful for my health. 
I am probably in better shape than I was in my 20s which I am grateful for.  Today I finally got to work out again after two weeks of very sporadic work outs due to late nights and early morning of grading.  I feel so much better and more accomplished already. 

30 days of thankful

Again this year I'd like to try to do the 30 days of thanks for November. 
Firstly, I am thankful for the furries in my life.  I am grateful for the joy that Toff and Fin give me.  Even when they are pains in the butt that wake me up in the middle of the night (or stalk me with big eyes hoping that I feed them soon).
And the stalking might be currently happening....

Finding Myself

So as is unfortunately a theme for me, I tend not to take time for myself.  I get caught up in obligations and run down in the I need to do thats.  Today was Fall Break so no class for me. 

I spent time with my daughter.
I did some things for the Humane Society.
I submitted my midterm grades.
I got a pedicure because I've had a gift certificate that I got from a student in May that I just kept not using.
And I came home early to hang out with my family.
After bedtime, I did some more Humane Society paperwork, looked at ethics textbooks, cuddled the furries, and watched TV.

Then I decided it was finally time that I took the Strengths Quest.  My college does this with its students and a friend was doing it through church so I've been hearing alot about it.  I kept putting off taking the time to do it though.  The access code has been on my desk for over a month.  

So my dimensions are

• Learner 
• You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning.
• This totally makes sense to me as I'm always telling my students that if I'm not learning something in class too I've failed them.
• Input
• You are inquisitive. You collect things.
• I am always asking why? I don't really collect things.  They use reading in this as collecting knowledge, but I'm not sure what kind of knowledge base I am getting out of trashing romance novels.  
• Achiever
• Achiever describes a constant need for achievement.
  You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself.
• So I saw the above statement and thought wow.  This was immediately followed by CRAP that's true.
• Discipline
• Your world needs to be predictable. It needs to be ordered and planned. So you instinctively impose structure on your world. You set up routines. You focus on timelines and deadlines. You break longterm projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently. You are not necessarily neat and clean, but you do need precision.
• Totally me. Want to see my to do list?  Want to see how I fit things into my schedule?
• Responsibility
• Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it.
• My problem is also that I might use my achiever and learner parts to over extend....

This is very interesting to me, but it is time for sleep or I won't get up in the morning to work out (which will throw off my routine which will anger my discipliner and my achiever) and I don't want to spend my day like that.

More later.

Insights

I was talking to a friend today and realized something.  As of late, I have been in survival mode.  I have been doing things just to get by rather than enjoying what I'm doing.  It has lead me to be avoidant in a number of ways.  It's a coping mechanism, but I don't like that it is a way of life for me right now.  I want to enjoy what I do and be in the moment.  My needs and expectations of what I think I should be and how I think I should be are getting in the way of being.  
I need to start confronting that.  Well, it is out here to the world now.  I guess I should take my own advice and start with taking just 15 minutes every few days to look at myself and what I am doing.  Time to start.

Drowning

So I'm in the midst of the semester of work.  So far, I'm not really holding it together that well.  I'm not where I want to be.  I'm working a day ahead at best.  However, I am rather proud that I have not let it get to me as much as I normally would.  I have kept going.  I have some mild panic at times, but not overwhelming.  That's pretty awesome coming from me.

It's been too long for me to have not written.  Here is the quick catch up.

I passed my second ultrasound- no cysts.  Which means no worries.  Hurrah for a lack of medical issues. 

My allergies have gone to crazy town.  I'm highly considering looking into what insurance would cover of going to see an allergist.  If this winter is mind, I'm hosed. 

I ran my first 5K.  I want to say it will be my last.  However.... I'm toying with another.  I'm going to talk to my friend.  She put it best on her blog.  I was way more dedicated in running it because she was beside me.  We totally kept each other from being giant slackers. 

Okay back to work.

Summer Time

Why is it that days and weeks seem to go so much faster in the summer? 
It's not that I don't keep busy during the summer or that my school year is so relaxing.  It just always seems to go faster.  It is July already.  I've got a lot to get done with prep for the next year and it's crazy to me that summer school will be completely done in a few weeks. 
It has been a pretty decent summer so far.  The trip to Wyoming was decent.  My daughter is a champ at traveling.  We drove it in one day.  I couldn't believe it.  It makes the upcoming three hour drive to Grandma & Grandpas and then 2 hours to the lake seem like a breeze.  I've been taking little miss out the Humane Society more because I have had to make trips out there for my volunteering.  She loves it.  Now she loves going most anywhere, but seeing the kitties and stealing the kitty toys is very fun for her. 
My daughter is in a super fun stage.  She is a big mimic because she is working hard to learn more words.  She will try to sing along with her Disney music.  She catches a word now and again, but she understand the principle because both of her parents are always singing along with music.  A one year old singing "Yo ho" is cute. 
Okay time to be somewhat responsible and go to bed.

Attitude

So it has been a hectic day due to work and other obligations.  I'm excited to go to bed in a few when I finish watching the last episode from season two of True Blood (we are working on catching up so we can order season four).  Side note:  I'm worried because they are going to screw up my favorite plot line from the book where Eric loses his memory.  Anyways. 
I have been reading Brene Brown's blog and today's entry really gave me the pick me up I needed. Check it out.  http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2012/6/12/defense-against-the-dark-arts.html

Self Improvement

Based on the recommendation of my soon to be former boss (*tear; I miss her already), I'm reading Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are." It is one of my goals to keep improving my teaching and learning something new about psychology.  My boss recommended the book from that perspective as well as a general self improvement perspective.  She said that the book really got her thinking. 

Well, I'm almost done with the book and wow. It really gets me thinking about thing that I could use a change of viewpoint on or anxieties I could let go.  I'm going to finish the book and then I'm going to take some time to do some of my own thinking.  I'm sure that will come up here.

Hard Day

Today was really hard. Yesterday our little girl developed red blotches on her hands.  I called ask a nurse thinking that it was maybe a reaction to the antibiotic that she was put on for an ear infection on Friday or a reaction to a new shirt with a decal  (Oh I do love last minute trip to the walk in clinic for a fever of 103).  The nurse wasn’t sure and brought up the idea of hand, foot, and mouth disease.  We checked her feet and she had a few dots on them.  As the afternoon progressed, the feet blotches caught up to her hands.  She also had a few blotches on her butt.  We cancelled a gathering just in case she was contagious. 

Today we got a late in the day appointment to see girlie’s primary care physician and waited.  We parents weren’t freaking out as little girl has been in a good mood for the most part.  Tired and not eating the best, we also suspect she is getting some teeth because she has been chewing. 

Well, we get in and the doctor does not find sores in girlie’s mouth which means it is not hand, foot, and mouth disease (which is awesome).  The doctor decides he would like to check little one’s red blood cell count because blotches like hers can signal a low red blood cell count.  So the doctor says that and panic hits.  My eyes must have flashed this because the doctor then says not to worry.

Plus, apparently with little ones you get to wait around for blood results which is good because then parents don’t go home and freak out. So the actual taking of the blood left both myself and little one crying. 

Minus, my child hates to be restrained for any reason so restraint with a finger poke and lots of pressure was ridiculous.  After blood was taken, she pretty much screamed for the next half hour while we waited for the results.  She only wanted to be held and for most of it by only mom. 

Well, her blood work came back normal.  Her red blood count was good and her white blood cell count was normal.  Her ears are also clear.  The thought is that girlie had a reaction to the antibiotic.  So the reaction should subside over a few days and we just need to keep an eye on her in case anything changes now that we have stopped the meds.

I then had to run off to class for a little bit.  Thank the good lord that my students are understanding.  I had pushed back my class start time so I could go to the appointment and it ran much later so I then had to push back class again (thank goodness for summer school and text messaging). 

Hubby got little miss home and fed (as much as she would eat) and I got home just in time to help get her to bed. 

We then got parents got need a break tacos.  We shall spend are our evening being thankful that this was just one tough day and that all will be well (by reading books and playing video games). 

Pooptastrophe

It has been a long time since I have thought about the word Pooptastrophe.  That was the phrase that my husband and I coined when our daughter was very little and we would have a messy diaper and that would go everywhere.  Most true pooptastrophes end with a child being held at arms length in a shower,  a child being bathed, or possibly both parent and child needing a bath.  Pooptastrophe has been a word of the past since the start of solid foods.  That is, until today.

Today I stepped in poop.  You might think, why on earth did your cat poop on the floor?  But it was not cat poop.  Oh no, we had a pooptastrophe.  Apparently, little miss had such a large messy poop that it came out of the top of her diaper and landed on the floor.  Which I then stepped in.  I then screamed for husband.  I explained the situation.  He had the gall to ask me if I had gotten a new diaper yet.  I retorted that since I was still cleaning poop off of my foot, I had not gone anywhere yet.
After wiping a smile off of his face, he took care of cleaning up toddler while I took care of my foot and the floor.

It is almost funny to me now.  Still disgusting, but almost funny.  I think I laugh to keep from hurling...

Ahhh Summer

Well, I survived the semester.  It was a rough ending.  Definitely need to remind myself to compare the due dates in my syllabi.  My large papers were all due on the same day which was a bad call on my part.  Next semester my Health Psychology and Social Psychology courses are bigger (at least 20) so I'm going to need be a little more careful. 
The official verdict on my lungs is using an inhaler before strenuous exercise.  My breathing is weird, but not bad enough to warrant an asthma diagnosis.  So far that seems to be doing the trick, but I go back to spin next week so we will see how it holds up.  Hubby and I have officially joined the YMCA so we can go swimming while little one gets to go to drop off day care.  I think she is going to be super excited.  My husband might have a heart attack though.  He's so adorable. 
Last week was horrendous.  There was the stress of starting summer school and family issues.  I hope to never have to feel that way again.
Now things are moving back to normal.  I am enjoying my fancy new kindle fire.  I'm totally impressed with myself because I learned how to thwart itunes to load video to the kindle via a convertor.  It's been a long time since I have felt that accomplished with winning at a nerdy thing :o)

Breathing

So today I took my asthma test.  They had me breathe into a tube normally. Then you have to take a deep breathe in and then blow hard and push all the air out of your lungs.  After they got a base line reading, they starting giving me medication to provoke a reaction.  There are five steps to the medications.  If you make it through all of the steps with no reaction you are good to go.  If you have a reaction at any step, you have to stop and take a different set of meds to stop the reaction. 
I started to have problems at step 4 and after step 5 I was taking the inhaler.  So something is going on at least.  I'm back to my regular doctor on Tuesday to find out what I should be doing about all of this.  The inhaler had weird side effects.  My hands and feet felt like they were asleep, but shaking.  I felt shaky and wired.  It was not so fun, but after 5 minutes I could breathe better and within 20 I was less jittery. 
So I decided to mow the lawn... and now my nose is stuffed.  Not my best decision. 

Why I oughta...

So today, I really wanted to cut somebody.  And with the time of year that it is, one would assume it would be a lousy paper that drove me to thought, but it was actually the disorganization of a hospital. 
Today I was suppose to have my asthma test.  They called me themselves on the 13th and scheduled it for today.  But apparently, that was a lie.  While I have the incoming call in my cell, apparently they did not actually schedule anything.  So I spend 45 minutes sitting around while they figured out that they had no record of me, didn't know what I needed done, assumed it was the clinic's fault.  When I was leaving, I was shaking and trying not to cry with rage.  It is the week before finals and I've got a lot to get done.  I could have finished a final with that 45 minutes so I was freaking pissed.  I was trying not to freak out on the poor receptionist because it wasn't her fault, but oh my I sure wanted to.
They called me later this afternoon to apologize and reschedule.  So I am now doing it on Thursday which sucks because that is when I finally start getting papers.  I was polite, but I could not resist the back handed comment that while getting off work was not an issue there was no way to get over the lost of productive time. 

Next One

One) Doctors should not be allowed to send letters about a condition unless everything is fine and smiles.  Otherwise, that is just cruel because you get a letter, probably after hours, and then you flip out because you wouldn't know exactly what the jargon means anyway (Or would not believe).

Two) No, I didn't exactly get that letter.  It's in the mail... I found out about my ultrasound today.  I called yesterday to find out more, but they didn't call me back.  After waiting for most of today, I got frustrated and called again. I learned that both my ovaries have cysts.  They still do not think that it is any big deal.  They want to get me in to have another ultrasound in two months.  I did a little mayo clinic internet research.  I now understand a little bit more about why the doctor would not be freaking out.  Apparently cysts are actually super common (which I suppose I should have recognized as I do know people who have cysts) and while there are cyst types that one should be super worried about this at least is not that.  

Three) So after all this, had the freak out of maybe Parker would be an only child due to all this.  Again, what information did I have to base this on?  None.  At the time, I knew very little and it was really just a freak out about having something wrong with me in general and/or something wrong with my ovaries.  We all take for granted that our internal workings are fine until we are blatantly confronted with evidence to the contrary.  I mean, no one wants to believe that anything will ever be wrong with them.  The weirdest part of that freak out is that I'm not sure if I want to have another child. I have extreme worries about a second pregnancy due to having a c-section.  I don't want to make that decision until little miss is closer to 2 and somewhat more independent.  I mean regardless of seeing little babies over the last week I don't really have baby fever.  I mean, yes, the babies were adorable and smell amazing (nothing like baby smell- it is crack), but I love my big girl dearly.  I shouldn't be surprised.  It's all about the psychology of control.  If you believe you have control over something, you feel better about it than if you believe you have no control.  Man, I hate it when knowing the psychology behind something is not actually comforting.
3) I'm done with worrying and self pity.  I indulged myself in that last week, but this week I refuse to go with it.  I'm training for a 5K.  Well, kinda.  I'm going to try to complete from couch to 5K.  I don't have a 5K in mind.  I'm just not a runner, but we were looking at doing a zombie 5K (it didn't work out this year), but we are going to try to do it next year.  I'm working out and losing weight to earn me the next season of True Blood that comes out at the end of May.  I have been way into spring cleaning.  I will be fine.  I will rise above.  And I will not dwell.  It is not worth my time. And the more I tell myself all of this, the more I will remind myself and make it true.  Self fulfilling prophecy for the win.

Some relief

Well, I got my results from my mammogram.  One, it is always a relief when a letter shows up, because really bad news does not come in letter form from clinics.  I passed with no abnormalities.  Whew.  I knew that was most likely going to be the case, but I cried with relief when read the letter. So I just need to hear about my ultrasound and the obnoxious part of this will be over.  My asthma test is scheduled for next week so by the end of April I should be all fixed up right?
Had an excellent weekend, Martinis on Friday and shopping with the girls on Saturday.  What a time!  I then had my first real experience with sushi.  I would do it again, but I did not love all of it.  Alright, time to get groceries, clean, and bake some friendship bread.

Two down

Well had my ultrasound today so they could take a look at my ovaries.  The tech thought it could be today or a few days before they call me with results.  I SOOO vote for today, but my vote is worthless so back to coping.  I noticed this morning that I have four main coping mechanisms  eating whatever the hell I want (totally just had a bacon cheeseburger for lunch), exercising, the internet, and doing things to make other people smile.   Only two of these things should I keep up. 

One down

Well today I had my mammogram.  Sure I won't find out anything for 5-8 days, but the procedure is done.  Honestly the procedure itself is pretty lame.  I realized having a small child is excellent prep for a mammogram.  I'm used to have my boobs stepped on without warning or used as leverage points.  So it really was not painful or anything.  I mean you wouldn't want to stay like that, but no biggie. 
I have the closet fear that something weird will show up, but I'm really not thinking about that.  I'm feeling pretty calm about things.  I don't expect anything strange will be there, but if there is it will be caught early and little if it is something or it could be nothing.  That's a little zen.  Must be all the cookies that I have eaten today.  I should maybe workout to work off some of those.  I'll think about it. 

Okay fine

I wasn't sure I wanted to blog about this, but I need to get some thoughts out of my head. 
I get to have my first mammogram this week.  Nothing was hinky in my checkup, but I have a strong family history so my doctor thought it would be good to have a baseline mammogram.  Rationally I know this is not a big deal.  I am totally on edge.  It's not like I didn't know this time would come.  Hello look at my family history, but that didn't mean I was counting the hours or anything. 
I also get to be tested for asthma because my breathing when I exercise can be off (depending on what I'm doing).  I also get to have an ultrasound because one of my ovaries was a little swollen so they want to take a look.  At this point, no reason to freak out, but waiting can be so much worse than just doing something.  The two big appointments will be done by the end of this week so that will at least be a relief.  Sure I most likely won't know anything right away, but the appointments will be done which is good.  In the mean time, I am trying to concentrate, but I'm not doing so hot at it this afternoon.  Okay now I have spewed this out and I can move on for the day.

Seriously distracted

Today I am seriously distracted. I wish it was Friday because I could use a drink and my appointments to be over so I can focus because right now I really can't focus.  I'm going to work on easy things.  Things that involve very little thought and sitting in my papsan.  And a positive attitude.  I'm going to work on that too.

Hello my name is Dana......

and I am a worry wort.  I tend to worry.  I worry about work, health, myself, family, friends, you name it.  I just do.  It's how I roll.  The good part of knowing that this is how I roll is that I recognize when I am being irrational in my worrying.  Now that does not necessarily mean that I can stop the irrational worrying, but I can typically freak out and then move on.  I had one of those moments today.  I can't say I'm completely done worrying, but I do realize that all will work out and I should not be driving myself insane for no good reason. 
I need to remember that new experiences are not scary or bad, just different.  And to stop being such a pansy :o)

Wow...

So today sucked.  I thought today Little Miss would be good, we would get groceries, play, ect.   Have a good day off from work for mom.  Oh was I wrong.  Yesterday we went for her 15 month check up and she got one shot.  I thought today won't be so bad, it is just one shot.  I was wrong.  I forgot about whiny baby with a low grade fever.  We were great with getting groceries and had fun.  She really loves to go out with me.  But after that it was down hill until just before bedtime when my loving happy baby returned to me to cuddle.  But in the middle there was whining and unhappiness.  I just hate the days when my baby drives me to tears.  I feel bad for all of us then.  She is so sad, I can't help, and nobody enjoying it. 
We were able to end her day with snuggling and stories so I suppose all is well that ends well.  Hopefully we will be able to have fun tomorrow. 
So I have yet to clean up the house of the toys, but the friendship bread is out of the oven.  I'm thinking I'm going to have a beer, have some bread, and put up my feet.  I mean, Fini, is sleeping on the couch next to me.  She might have the right idea.

One more thing

So I was so distracted by the purring cat in my lap that I forgot to blog about the one thing that I did accomplish, my health directive!  I can wear my wedding ring!!!!! I am at the weight I got married at.  Now my body is totally built differently now.  I have a baby belly to suck in yet, but whatever.  I swear I need to do ab work every day just to prove to myself that I can.  Whenever we do abs during kettle bell, I want to keel over.  But I am super proud of me.