Reflection

So this week as a result of a fitness thing I'm doing I'm supposed to be working on my stress reduction through meditation, personal reflection, or relaxation techniques.  Today I decided I would focus on a little reflection.
Firstly motherhood.  I think hugs from my baby maybe one of the best things about my day.  I like attack hugs where little one tackles me for hugs.  I like hugs that I have to work to get.  I often tell little one that I want a hug to which I am give a sly look and she turns to run like heck so mom has to catch her.  I'm not sure that I'll ever feel like I get the balance between work and home right (maybe if I can be healthy, which wasn't the case as of late).  However, I think that's okay.  When I'm at home playing, I don't let work hound me.  I am more efficient at using my time at work.  I feel guilt when I have to work late, but working late is not a regular occurrence. 
Secondly work.  I am happy with my work.  I'm not settling for just teaching what I have always taught how I've always taught it.  I'm expanding my knowledge base.  I am coming to the conclusion that I'd like to have a "teaching philosophy" group.  In a perfect, world I'd like to talk to people about what works for them in a classroom, how they strive to improve themselves, and that kind of thing.  I don't want it to be a "let's bitch about students" thing.  For now, I'm going to continue my reading for my own expansion and then I think I'm going to look into the teaching group thing.  It could crash and burn, but I think with the right group of people it could be really interesting.
Thirdly balance.  I am always in need of finding the right balance for me.  The balance between me time, family time, and work.  I think this is such an issue for me because I don't want to take away from family or work to just have me time.  I know it shouldn't be less of a priority, but it is.  I'm not sure how to change that.  I need to find something that it is just to me that I need to leave my house for.  Maybe I just need to work harder to reestablish a "girl's night."  I don't know.  I need to think harder about what would make me truly happy and what I wouldn't just end up feeling guilty about.  I'm glad that I am finally over the sickness (even if I'm not healed enough to go to spin) so that I can work out again.  Working out is such an equalizer to me.
Okay that's what I've got for now.  I'm going to clean up toys and grade tests while eating ice cream now.

The life

I'm avoidance coping right now.  I could be reading on the the IRB proposals I have lined up.  I could be reading articles for my one class's final project.  I could also be emailing contacts for speakers for one of my classes.  But I'm blogging.  My husband and daughter are asleep.  My daughter is sleeping because it is long past her bedtime.  My husband is sleeping because a cough is getting the best of him. 
I am playing on the internet and throwing treats to the cat.  I have some oranges that are so unsweet that we won't eat them. Cuties may have ruined us to other oranges.  I'm thinking that I might make orange bread out of the zest or candied orange rind, or I found some orange vanilla marmalade.  It just seems like a horrible waste not to do something with the oranges.  I should also maybe exercise some more.  I've been really good this week.  I made 6am exercise class all week!  I'm happy.  Sore, but definitely happy about it.  Alright enough avoidance.

Happy Place

So I'm working on maintaining my happy place. This weekend was full of positive steps. 
I'm still totally behind at work.  I know what I'm teaching through Wednesday and may be reading the most boring articles I've read since a neuroscience colloquium in grad school (chosen by a student for a discussion based class).  I hope the discussion goes better than I think it is going to.
However, I had a good weekend.  I put aside everything that I was tweaking about.  I played some games with friends.  I read books with my daughter.  I got lots hugs and kisses. And then while I was feeling zen, I curled up with a book in the bathtub.  Sure my daughter proceeded to wake up and interrupt my happy reading time, but it was still lovely to have (I continued for a while in my chair after she went back to bed).  I'm hoping that by Friday I can spend some more time in my happy place. 

Just Breathe

I am behind at work.  I'm feeling the stress.  I'm feeling completely unbalanced. 
I'm taking baby steps to make this all better.  I write this not so anybody worries or anything, but to remind myself of two important things.
1) I am not superwoman so I should really lower my expectations about myself. 
2) Baby steps will get me back to a better place.
Now back to carrying on.

Loving myself

Like many people I can't say that I love everything about my body.  Now I'm working losing my last bit of lazy weight which will help me feel the love.  I don't have unrealistic expectations.  I've never had six pack abs.  I'm okay with that.  My arms are weak.  They probably always will be, but I can live with that.  Call me crazy, but I don't really mind my baby battle wounds (i.e., stretch marks, surgery scar, bigger feet). 
I want my fingers to smaller. That's it.  That's what I hate most at this moment.  I can live with so much other stuff, but I want to wear my wedding ring again.  Stupid fat fingers.  I've always had them.  That's the worst part.  When played clarinet, I had problems with some notes due to my fat little fingers. 
If this all that I dislike about myself physically, I can live with it.  I'm motivated to lose the lazy weight.  And we'll see about that wedding ring. 

Balance

Well, I think I'm getting my center back after the week from hell, but I'm not sure.  I'm at home alone with daughter this weekend.  She's been good.  The weekend duties of laundry, groceries, and cleaning are done.  I was able to get a decent work out in.  I haven't done any grading (and I kind of need to), but it's late and I don't wanna. 
I'm beginning to realize that I need a hobby.  I don't necessarily have time for one, but  I need one.  I kinda of gave up video games as the baby got bigger.  It's not that I don't like playing, but there was always something else that needed to be done or that was nagging me while daughter naps so I don't play much anymore.  I want a hobby that allows me to leave my house every few weeks with a purpose or maybe it's just that sometimes when I take me time, I need to actually go hide at a coffee shop or in my room.  I don't know exactly what it is that I need, but I need something. 
I also need to get caught back up at work so I' not obsessing about it like I am right now.  I want to go to bed, but I might end up grading (I know I said I didn't want to). 
All the things I did today were positive steps in the right direction.  I hope for more baby steps.

A long one

My daughter has an unexplained rash that is starting to spread (we are back at the doctor later today).  It's not that we ignored it, we were just there earlier this week for her 1 year wellness check and were told to watch it.  My husband has been sick off an on all week.
I have been fighting sickness and exhaustion all week.  I feel like I'm behind at work even though I just got back this week. 
I want this week over so I can start a new one with a better attitude than what I have now.  Alright this is all the whining I'm allowed.  Time to find some inner piece and move my butt along.